Testimony

My girls prayer group has been doing testimonies for the past two months or so, and each week two girls present how God has worked in their life to the rest of the group. I’ve been having a difficult time bringing myself to present my testimony to the group. It is supposed to be about how God has worked in my life, but unfortunately, I haven’t really felt God working lately in the biggest issue I have going on in my life. I don’t feel like this process could really get much harder for us. From the length, to issues with our finances, to worries about the high cost, to a tuberculosis scare, to other health issues, to infinite waiting, and finally to having birthparents choose another family. In the past month we have been overlooked by birthparents, I got in a wreck in my car, and our water heater just broke, leaking water all over our kitchen, and leaving us without hot water for 4 days. I definitely had times where I didn’t think I could handle it and I was just going to have a heart attack or something because there was too much for me to try to take care of besides taking care of myself. I just don’t understand why God would allow this process to be so difficult for us when this is our last chance for a baby. If this doesn’t work then we won’t have any children, and sometimes I wonder if that’s just what God wants because He’s allowing everything else to be so difficult. Now don’t get me wrong, we have had blessings. As of right now we haven’t had anything in our lives that would keep us from being able to adopt; and with all the restrictions placed on adoptive parents, I know a lot of people who wouldn’t be able to adopt even if they wanted to. Also, money has really been an issue for us because we are adopting out of necessity as our only way to have a family. However, we have received many donations from people that have helped make the financial aspect of adoption more of a possibility. Unfortunately, all the money in the world isn’t going to help us if no one ever wants to choose us to parent their child. Right now I am honestly not sure what to do. If this is really God’s plan for us then why did he let it be so difficult? How long should we wait before we realize that it must not be God’s plan for us to have children? Why do I feel like God must not want me to be a mother when that is all I have wanted from the time I was little? And maybe it’s my fault…I haven’t been the best Christian I could be. I could be praying more or reading my Bible more, but it’s difficult when I feel forgotten and don’t understand why things keep happening (or not happening) in my life. I didn’t mean for this post to be a downer, but this issue has really been weighing on my heart, and I’m feeling bad about not presenting my testimony, but I really can’t allow myself to do that because if I have one more thing weighing on me right now I think I might explode.
And that is why I am not sure I want to share my testimony.

Pack-n-play

So I went garage sale-ing with Ashley and Amber this morning and I got a pack-n-play! What's funny is that we didn't even find the pack-n-play while we were out, but Amber went to a garage sale close to her house after we all went home, and she saw it there and called me. Apparently it was bought by a grandmother to use with her grandchildren, and she only used it 2 times so it's in great shape! It has a changing table on it, and the bassinet, and it has a cute pattern. And the best part...I only paid $25 for it! We had been looking at one that we liked that was $150, so even if we don't end up loving this one, we only paid a fraction of the price for it. Nate and I set it up when I got home, and we got it together pretty easily but we had a really tough time getting it put back up. We apparently aren't smart enough to pack up a pack-n-play! We finally got it put up...the buttons in the middle of each rail that had to be pushed in were kinda tough to find because cloth was covering them, and if we didn't push it in the exact right spot then it didn't fold. I think I will be able to put it away easier the next time I do it though. So...I was pretty excited about that purchase. I also bought some children's books, a diaper bag, and 2 cute baby girl outfits. I really need to stop buying baby clothes because I'm going to end up with a bunch of clothes that are the wrong gender, but I want to be able to buy clothes for my child like everyone else...I just wish I knew what I was "having." :( Anyway, here are some pictures of the new pack-n-play.