Testimony

My girls prayer group has been doing testimonies for the past two months or so, and each week two girls present how God has worked in their life to the rest of the group. I’ve been having a difficult time bringing myself to present my testimony to the group. It is supposed to be about how God has worked in my life, but unfortunately, I haven’t really felt God working lately in the biggest issue I have going on in my life. I don’t feel like this process could really get much harder for us. From the length, to issues with our finances, to worries about the high cost, to a tuberculosis scare, to other health issues, to infinite waiting, and finally to having birthparents choose another family. In the past month we have been overlooked by birthparents, I got in a wreck in my car, and our water heater just broke, leaking water all over our kitchen, and leaving us without hot water for 4 days. I definitely had times where I didn’t think I could handle it and I was just going to have a heart attack or something because there was too much for me to try to take care of besides taking care of myself. I just don’t understand why God would allow this process to be so difficult for us when this is our last chance for a baby. If this doesn’t work then we won’t have any children, and sometimes I wonder if that’s just what God wants because He’s allowing everything else to be so difficult. Now don’t get me wrong, we have had blessings. As of right now we haven’t had anything in our lives that would keep us from being able to adopt; and with all the restrictions placed on adoptive parents, I know a lot of people who wouldn’t be able to adopt even if they wanted to. Also, money has really been an issue for us because we are adopting out of necessity as our only way to have a family. However, we have received many donations from people that have helped make the financial aspect of adoption more of a possibility. Unfortunately, all the money in the world isn’t going to help us if no one ever wants to choose us to parent their child. Right now I am honestly not sure what to do. If this is really God’s plan for us then why did he let it be so difficult? How long should we wait before we realize that it must not be God’s plan for us to have children? Why do I feel like God must not want me to be a mother when that is all I have wanted from the time I was little? And maybe it’s my fault…I haven’t been the best Christian I could be. I could be praying more or reading my Bible more, but it’s difficult when I feel forgotten and don’t understand why things keep happening (or not happening) in my life. I didn’t mean for this post to be a downer, but this issue has really been weighing on my heart, and I’m feeling bad about not presenting my testimony, but I really can’t allow myself to do that because if I have one more thing weighing on me right now I think I might explode.
And that is why I am not sure I want to share my testimony.